After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
You Might Also Like
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
*pronounces UPS like yoops
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”