A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Found the job I’m suited for
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers