If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.