“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
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What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.