The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
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just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
drew a comic about my origin story
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.