ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
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“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Whisper out to librarians!
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
The Punning Dead.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em