If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
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Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.