But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
uh oh
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.