“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.