[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
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*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out