Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
tourist season
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…