Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
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WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one