Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
You Might Also Like
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.