I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb