It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.