the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
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LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
i wish we could shoplift online
Rather alarming headline…
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?