My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*