men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
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House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
I think they could have phrased this better
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
sry
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away