I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
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Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Isn’t
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*