He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
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We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet