[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
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[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much