Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
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Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
So sick of all these stupid rules
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no