Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…