“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
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5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Bike for sale
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
me logging onto twitter
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal