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If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.