A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
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A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day