The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?