Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
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I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
When they try to steal your moment.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks