INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
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Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle