Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
You Might Also Like
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits