[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
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Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally