Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
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Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.