“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.