[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
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the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Favourite diary entry ever
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.