[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
oh my gosh!!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.