You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
🤣🤣🤣