[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.