There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
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[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
plums roundup
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.