Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You Might Also Like
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”