Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
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if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Interior design 👌
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside