Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol