cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?