don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
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Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Not messing around
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
selena gomez
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why