My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
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The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
won’t smith
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
we all know this pain all too well
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.