FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
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fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Why I divorced her.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
bugs when you lift up a rock
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead