Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
You Might Also Like
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store