[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Fluff me with a fork baby
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
the noise i just made
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon