People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
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Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?