After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
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Auto correct is my worst enema.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*