My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Krampus.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.